Commercialized Coffee

Can my first blog entry really be a rant?
Absolutely.

Are you ever surprised by the things people choose to say out loud? Ah, that's not quite right. Let me try that again. Are you ever surprised by the way the things people say out loud affect you?

For example, today Max and I made it out the door without tears! How did I accomplish this feat, you ask? Thomas the Train shoes, Elmo Jeans, a Bob the Builder Shirt, and a Lightening McQueen jacket. That's right, every single article of clothing Max had on (even his Mickey Mouse socks and sesame street diaper) made him happy today.

I'll back up for a second. Max is 2. Have you ever heard that phrase "terrible two's?" It's accurate. Somehow my perfect cherub of a baby...funny, smart, adorable, has morphed into a funny, smart, adorable, mean, mood swinging, bossy two year old. I hear it happens to us all. Somehow I thought we would be exempt.

Most every morning is a fight which leaves me exhausted and guilt ridden wondering if I'm cut out for parenting at all. Max is in tears and I am awfully close by the time we hit the front door.

Not today. Today we had a great morning. I was even proud of my parenting skills. We listened to "row row row the boat" in the car and Max even gave me permission to sing along.

Uhh, but I was late for work. Row Row Row am I going to get in trouble today. I can't believe I overslept that much. my new years resolutions aren't working at all. god, i have to clean my house when i get home tonight. I have to figure out a way to make it to the gym. i don't look very professional today. i really want some coffee but jeez i need to stop spending so much money on useless stuff. how am i going to afford london? Your boat, gently down the stream!

"Mommy, I don't want to go see Miss Amanda."

"Oh, midget, she's going to love your Lightening Jacket!! You have to show her!"

"I'll show her my lightening jacket" said with a jubilant smile!

yes!!! he's not going to cry when i drop him off today because he'll be excited about miss amanda looking at his jacket. i'll let him wear that every day if it makes his mornings happier. i'm so glad he likes that movie. i wonder when micah is going to call me again? i wish he would just go away. i haven't paid tuition yet this week. ugh, or the gas bill. or my house taxes. i hope my student loan automatic withdrawal doesn't bounce. when does that come out again. oh my god, some idiot blocks this lane of traffic everyday!!!!!!!

OK Max, we're hear. We have to leave your gold fish in the car.

"nooooooooooooooo, i want my gold fish!!!"

Hear come the tears.

Max, max, max, we have to leave your goldfish here! They'll be waiting for us when we come home tonight.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa goldfish!!!!!

it's so cold outside, I wonder if those tears are going to chap his face? he already has eczema. please stop crying, please stop crying max. i want you to have a good day and you're breaking my heart.

Hey max, we have to show miss amanda how cool your lightening jacket is!!

At this he looks down at his jacket and frantically claws at himself until he lands on -gasp!- Lightening McQueen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I'm gonna show Miss Amanda" again with a gleeful laugh.

We walk in the day care, i drop the check off i hope they don't cash this until tomorrow. i really need to start balancing my checkbook so i know how much money i have. i wonder if they hate me because i'm always late and i never pay the 25 dollar late fee? god, max smells like a dog today because his coat was on the floor and it smells like Tut. i wonder if they thing i'm dirty. i really have to wash clothes tonight when we get home, and walk down the isle to Max's classroom.

Setting him down, he starts to jog in place and cry before his feet even touch the ground.

Max, we have to show miss amanda our lightening jacket!!!!

Miss Amanda walks up, Max points exuberantly to Lightening and Miss Amanda says....

"wow max, lightening mcqueen. You're so commercialized." and then gives me a pointed glance.

I think I forgot to move for a second. you're so commercialized? what the hell does that mean? I'm a bad mom because i let max pick out his shoes over the weekend, and i put him in clothes that excite him? i'd cry every day too if you were my teacher. but is he too commercialized? am i spoiling him? maybe we don't read enough. we'll read a book tonight when we go home. i should read more to him. what if he grows up and doesn't like to read. id hate that. ok, so i have to work late because i'm so late this morning. Bye sweetheart! I'll see you later today, I love you. Have a great day!! too commercialized? does he watch too many movies? do i let the tv babysit him? tonight i should come up with some kind of project for us to do instead of letting him watch the car movie. oh, and after he goes to sleep i'll do laundry and clean the house. oh, and i'll have to finish some work...

Anyway, you get the idea. It wasn't just that Max was excited about the jacket. WE were excited about the jacket. I found a way to trick him into being excited to go see Miss Amanda and she said we were too commercialized.

Another of my favorites comes from my pregnancy. One. Caffeinated. Beverage. Daily.
That's what the beastmeister told me. And I lived by it religiously. Coffee in the morning? A soda at lunch? Tea after dinner? What do I want today? Especially when working at Central States AND Wendy's. Manual labor and standing all day pretty much sucks during pregnancy.

Let's set the scene. I'm pregnant. I'm tired. I have to work my second job after I get off from my real job. It's the morning. I don't want to spend any money because I'm saving for the baby, but, oh my goodness, I just found 1.00 in change in my car!!!!!!!!!!! Ohh, i'm going to go to quick trip and get a coffee. Mmmm, i haven't had coffee in a while. That's my caffeine for the day. I'm soo excited.

I stand in front of the coffee machine and look at all the glorious options that can be purchased with my alero treasure hunt fund. I think I might of smiled to myself imaging how great the coffee would taste. Mmm, hazelnut. That's the one. Careful to not let my belly rub against the counter and land in any coffee I make my cup, add my creamer and put it up to my face to smell it. Behind me a wonderful Quick Trip employee comes up to clean the beverage station. I love quick trip employees. They are so nice and just intelligent compared to other gas station attendants. They usually seem to like their jobs and the genuinely want to "see you next time."

"how are you doing today?" she asked me.
Oh I'm great, how are you?
"Good. Hope you're thinking of how that baby's gonna be doing after you drink that coffee."

And then she was gone.

And my coffee bliss just crashed to the grounds.

she didn't know I had to work two jobs because I knew I was a single mom.
She didn't know I ate super healthy and saved money in a way I'd never thought I would have been able to.
she didn't know I apologized to my baby on Sunday nights because I felt so terrible that I was single.
She didn't know I read him "Moo Baa La La La" and "Max Makes Millions" so often that I can STILL recite them from heart.
She didn't know I had read "What to expect the first year" already and was wondering how in the world I was going to do this mom thing.
She didn't know that I only drank one caffeinated beverage a day, and my doctor told me I could.
she didn't know that my hands shook as I left quick trip that day, and I've never been back to that particular store again.

What's my point? So what if I'm commercialized and I crave caffeine. Even more so, why do I care that the quick trip lady was trying to be nice to my baby and that miss amanda probably didn't mean a thing by it? These things weren't said with malicious intent, or any intent, really.

Perhaps the lesson is that I should mellow out a little?